Supporting Teens + Children in a Community Trauma
Our Charlottesville and UVA community is once again grieving and reeling in the wake of violence, loss, grief, and trauma that is both individual and collective. While each person’s reaction and experience is unique, we are all impacted — Even the children and adolescents in our midst.
Back in 2017, I shared parenting strategies for talking with children in the midst of the white supremacist violence that overtook Charlottesville, and sadly, these strategies are still as relevant and needed today as ever.
As parents, educators, helpers, family members, and adults who generally care for the children in our lives — We have a responsibility and opportunity to support the young people in our lives. Here are some specific strategies for talking with and supporting children and teens in the wake of a traumatic event:
HAVE THE CONVERSATION: Kids will learn about what happened through friends, social media, or by detecting that “something is going on.” Even young children are excellent at detecting changes in others' moods (especially at home), but they are poor interpreters of what they notice. When parents and supportive adults initiate conversation about major events going on, you have the opportunity to support your child or teen by providing accurate information and a chance to begin processing their thoughts and feelings about the tragedy. Without parents helping make sense of this for them, children and teens can easily become anxious. They need you to be brave enough to initiate a conversation, preferably at a time when you are not distracted.
REASSURE SAFETY: Especially in the early aftermath of a community tragedy, talk about the steps that you will take to keep them safe today, as well as the presence of first responders and other law enforcement who are working to keep everyone safe. Explain why routines may be changing, in simple safety-focused language. For example, “We won’t be going to school today, so that we can stay safe at home while the police work to make sure our city is safe for everyone.”
TELL THE TRUTH and KEEP IT SIMPLE: Talking with teens and children honestly builds trust and provides reassurance in difficult times, even when the truth is scary. That said, telling the truth does NOT mean oversharing details of a trauma, especially with young kids or youth who have themselves been traumatized. Begin with a short and simple explanation. For young children this may look something like, “Something upsetting happened in our city last night. Someone made a terrible choice to hurt others, and a few people have been hurt and killed. The police have arrested the person who did this.”
NAME AND ACKNOWLEDGE EMOTIONS: There is power in naming emotions, which is a crucial step in being able to express and manage them in a healthy way. Parents can help their kids and teens with this by modeling how to name and express their own feelings — And especially by naming and holding conflicting feelings. “I am really confused and upset about what happened. I’m also feeling glad that we are safe at home together.” When parents acknowledge that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, and confused about the event — AND that it is okay to feel happy, calm, or excited about other things at the same time — we give our kids permission to accept and express whatever feelings they may have.
THEN … LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK: We parents talk can often too much, over-explain, or answer questions that our children don’t have. Along the way, make sure to check in regularly with your child or teen to ask about their thoughts, feelings, and questions. It is okay to say, “I don’t know,” as there are often many things we don’t know and cannot explain. It is also normal for kids to distract or ignore if they need a break from this discussion. If you notice this, just acknowledge “It seems like you need a break from talking about this for now. What would you like to do or talk about instead?” And then gently check back in at another time.
BUILD IN COMFORTING ACTIVITIES and STICK WITH ROUTINES: Especially if your child seems anxious, make sure to enhance a sense of connectedness throughout the day. As much as possible, try to stick with normal routines, which promote a sense of safety and predictability for everyone (including adults!). Teens especially may also benefit from "helping activities" that allow them to express their positive values and connect with others.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: This should really be the #1 tip for parents and adults in supporting teens and children in the wake of a trauma. Seek out supports, try to find time for positive coping activities, and prioritize healthy eating, getting a good night’s sleep, and physical activity/exercise as much as possible. It is normal for any type of tragedy or trauma to trigger our own past losses and traumas, so be aware that this may be part of your experience.
SEEK PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT IF NEEDED: For parents, teens, and children, it is normal and common to experience distressing emotions, difficulty focusing, sleep disturbance, and other changes in the aftermath of a community trauma. If these changes and difficulties interfere with normal functioning for more than a week or two, it may be helpful to reach out for counseling support. Talk with your child’s guidance counselor and/or pediatrician, who can provide support and also recommend therapy if indicated. Parents and adults should also talk with their physician or other supports if disruption continues.
ADMIT MISTAKES AND REPAIR: When everyone is on high alert after a trauma, it is a matter of WHEN not if we will mess up, yell, make a mistake, be too distracted to give kids the attention they need … you get the point. Take time to acknowledge mistakes, apologize, and repair and reconnect with your kids and teens. Kids don't need perfect parents — And in fact, we do them a great service when we model owning our mistakes and repairing breaks in our relationships.
